This guitar pedal board belongs to the guy who peed in an empty Big Gulp cup in the passenger seat of my brand new car while I was driving down I-95, and when he went to throw it out the window, he missed and it bounced back inside the car and splashed out all over me and the inside of my car.
This guitar belongs to the guy who claimed he was turned into a vampire after he signed what he thought was a joke contract with a lady who actually turned out to be a demon!!! She tricked him!!! Now he was really a vampire because the contract was REAL!!! (Also, “joke contracts” are not a thing. Sure, neither are vampires and demons, but I’m willing to let those go because the concept of a “joke contract” is by far the dumbest and least believable part of his story.)
This keyboard belongs to the guy who would walk into a party, point at someone he’d never met and say, “Five biggest musical influences. GO.” Then he would argue with them that they were wrong about every artist or band they named – unless they happened to include Dream Theater on their list. Because *that* happens.
This guitar pedal belongs to the guy who red-faced screamed at everyone at the open mic night for not coming inside to listen to his cover of Nine Inch Nails “Hurt”, and then yelled, “You know what?! Fuck you, losers!” as he skidded his scooter’s tires off the sidewalk and rode away.
This guitar belongs to the unemployed guy who dropped me off at work in MY car, and after I got out and walked into work, honked the horn until I came back out and said, “Uhh, hello? I’m gonna need like ten bucks for gas, babe?”
This vocal monitor belongs to the guy who went on tour to Ireland for a month and came back with a permanent fake Irish accent, started referring to fries as “chips”, and came back wearing women’s leggings as pants because they were “European”, even though I saw the tags were from Wal-Mart.
This mic stand belongs to the guy who agreed that we would take turns paying for groceries, and when it was his week to pay he would put back anything I put in the cart and say, “We don’t need that!”, but when it was my turn to pay he would clear off the shelves into the cart like a contestant on Supermarket Sweep.