This guitar pedal belongs to the guy who red-faced screamed at everyone at the open mic night for not coming inside to listen to his cover of Nine Inch Nails “Hurt”, and then yelled, “You know what?! Fuck you, losers!” as he skidded his scooter’s tires off the sidewalk and rode away.


This vocal monitor belongs to the guy who went on tour to Ireland for a month and came back with a permanent fake Irish accent, started referring to fries as “chips”, and came back wearing women’s leggings as pants because they were “European”, even though I saw the tags were from Wal-Mart.


This mic stand belongs to the guy who agreed that we would take turns paying for groceries, and when it was his week to pay he would put back anything I put in the cart and say, “We don’t need that!”, but when it was my turn to pay he would clear off the shelves into the cart like a contestant on Supermarket Sweep.